by When I admitted that I was deeply unhappy in my marriage, I faked for years. From the moment our daughter was born until her sixth birthday, I felt like a single mother. But I held hope that things could change and told me that the merging of our family was the best for her.
My friends and family often asked if I was fine, but I did my best to convince them (and myself) that everything was fine. In retrospect now, two years after I had finally left my husband, Mark*is the greatest regret that I don’t leave earlier.
Mark and I met in a evening in Camden, London when we were both 27. At first I put it on a fun summer flight, but we couldn’t stay away from each other.
Mark was nice, funny and thoughtful. He supported my career, put himself in my circle of friends and brought out the best in me. When he asked me to marry me six years later, I thought I had found a partner for life.
Attempts for a baby
I was 34 years old when we got married and we both wanted to start a family quickly, but the trip to parenting did not happen as easy as we hoped.
Every month of disappointment, a calm heartache became a calm heartache. I changed my lifestyle, we carried out tests, tried IVF and supported each other as best we could.
When I got pregnant two years later, it felt like a miracle.
First, Mark came with me to every appointment, put the kindergarten together and comforted me when I hugged the toilet in the morning. But when the pregnancy became more physically exhausting, our relationship fell apart.
I was constantly bad and hated it to miss so much. Every time I had to ask for help, I felt annoying. When I needed support, I felt like a burden and the fact that it was never offered freely, things made things worse.
Every time I had to ask for help, I felt annoying.
A few months after the birth of AVA*, Mark received great promotion at work. He started working longer and was always glued to his work. He was so busy that I felt that I had lost him.
A broken marriage
I tried to save our relationship. I suggested a couple therapy, but he shrugged. I went for advice alone, but I was closed when the topic of our marriage appeared. I was afraid to admit how unhappy I really was.
When friends and family asked where Mark was, I made excuses for him – he is tired, he is stressed, he doesn’t know how to help. I said to myself that I could keep things alive, at least for our daughter’s reasons. I believed that children need both parents under one roof to feel safe. So I stayed. But it came with costs.
I wasolated myself and lost contact with many of my friends. It was too embarrassing for me to admit how deep I was.
I passed six years and lost myself. I wasolated myself and lost contact with many of my friends. It was too embarrassing for me to admit how deep I was. I stopped doing things I loved.
I focused on creating the illusion of a happy relationship that I forgot how it was to actually be in one.
The turning point
There was a moment – small, almost inconspicuous – when I asked him to help myself to bathe Ava while we were on vacation to celebrate her sixth birthday. He sighed and said, “I’m busy. Can’t you just handle it?” And I realized: I had “handled it” over the years. Alone.
That night I cried quietly to sleep. It was the first time that I admitted that I was no longer in love with Mark. We weren’t a team anymore and have not been for a long time.
I cried quietly to sleep. It was the first time that I admitted that I was no longer in love with Mark.
During the night I decided that it was not worth staying married, only for the skill. If I wanted to find real luck, something had to change.
Ending the marriage was not a decision that I made easily. I felt overwhelmed with guilt for a long time. I had wanted AVA so much and see how love looked like – how a healthy, respectful relationship could be. I didn’t want her to grow up in a “broken” house, but it became clear to me that she would not see it if I stayed. If at all, the stay gave a terrible example.
Be a reality
When I finally said Mark, I wanted to separate, his reaction was not what I expected. He didn’t look with a broken heart – he looked insulted – as if I had insulted him by deciding to go away.
Since then, Mark has moved to an apartment around the corner alone. The process of legalizing the divorce was long and painful. We are still in the middle of everything and try the co-parents while things remain civilian for Avas.
It was really difficult. Mark has become vengeful in a way that I could never have expected – smaller messages, financial games, emotional manipulation. It’s like the man I once knew and loved.
It’s like the man I once knew and loved.
Nevertheless, the time has been liberating since our separation. Even through the evil divorce, I slowly get my spark back. I laugh more. I sleep better. I connected to old friends again and joined a local self -help group for single mothers, where I met women whose stories come back. I never noticed how much of me I lost.
There are still lonely nights on which I think about how happy Mark and I were once, and wonder if I made a mistake. But these moments pass quickly.
Ava now seems happier, and despite everything I am like that.
Continue
I often think back to the years I tried to hold everything together. I wish I could go back and say this version of me that it is okay to choose yourself. That that remains for the children only teaches them that love means endurance, silence and sadness. If you are painful, she teaches resilience and self -esteem.
If she remains for the children, she only teaches that love means endurance, silence and sadness.
I don’t regret having married Mark and love, and the love we once had. And I will never regret our daughter – she is the best that comes from all of this.
But I regret the moment I knew how to stay deep in my stomach that our relationship was over. Relationships can be hard work, but they should never have to work to feel loved.
When I imagine the future, I feel hopeful. I slowly started again and I am open to find love – although only the way that feels like a real partnership does not like a performance.
I hope that one day when Ava looks back, she will see this brand and I just didn’t think about it, and that’s okay. I hope that she understands that walking was not about giving up. It was about choosing better – for both of us.
*Name changed to protect the identities.
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